Sometimes my boyfriend and I get in fights over my attractiveness. He’s older and admittedly a late bloomer and a sweetheart, whereas I’ve had mostly hookups with people whose last names I don’t know since I was 15. To me, it seems obvious that I should be considered the hottest piece of ass he’s ever had (no offense to the exes). To him, the question is ridiculous. I say, “but I’m fairly hot for a 22-year-old, how am I less hot than a 35-year-old?!” (usually in a far more crude way) and he says, “it isn’t a competition.” Then I cry because that’s what you say to a loser.
He also tells me I don’t need to worry about working out or having a better body for his benefit. He thinks my body is great the way it is (I know, he’s the worst). On the 2 days a month I look like Kylie, I agree, although he says he doesn’t notice anything different between those days and my usual bloated days. Obviously the last part is a lie — he’s not blind — but he seems to genuinely like my body even on days I hate it.
This has been an endless source of conflict for us. I’m hurt because I’m not the best and he won’t put aside his morals for 2 seconds to help a girl’s mental health and that he’s probably a big fat liar. He’s frustrated because his girlfriend is vain and judgmental. But I just really don’t get why he’s like this.
Anyway, to keep my mind engaged even though I’m out of school, I started reading a feminist philosophy book about objectification and how it isn’t a very useful tool for ethical analysis: Overcoming Objectification: A carnal ethics by Ann J. Cahill. It’s super interesting. The boyfriend and I have had really good conversations about the things I am learning so far.
I was reading a new chapter the other day about Cahill’s alternative to objectification, derivatization, and how it can be applied to a scene from Ensler’s Vagina Monologues. The scene is about Bob who likes to look at vaginas. Cahill’s analysis describes Bob’s appreciation for the speaker’s vagina as coming from a place of wonder, which only occurs when a body is recognized as an unknown other. An unknown other is accepted as completely independent, not judged against the viewer’s own desires, preferences or expectations. The body is wonderful for being an other all on its own. It’s not about standards or comparisons; the appreciation stems from the experience of learning an unknown other intimately.
To me, this means that a wonderful body is seen when the viewer sees the body for what it is, and not how it can serve the viewer or meet their desires. Basically I think it’s like seeing someone naked and being like, “holy shit this is another human being openly showing me their own body and that’s beautiful” instead of being like, “oh they’re naked; let me count their abs or see their hourglass figure to determine if I like the body or not.” I guess like how many times have you been with someone and found their body completely amazing purely because they are sharing it with you, even though they maybe don’t meet your or society’s goals for a “good body?”
So I read this and I just think, “Holy FUCK!” He can’t comment on the “perfection” of my body or lack thereof because he doesn’t see it like that. He literally sees my body as an unknown other that he gets to learn through intimate experiences, and therefore it is wonderful to him. I suddenly understand why he’s always telling me he doesn’t care if I gain weight or don’t workout as long as I’m happy; he really sees me as a body I share with him, and that is beautiful in any shape or size.
I still want my boyfriend to think I’m hot. And I honestly still want my boyfriend to think I’m hotter than his exes. I don’t always love having this super wise, emotionally mature boyfriend; sometimes I wish he could just tell me I’m the best woman he’s ever been with. But now I have a better understanding of why he thinks I’m beautiful and sexy the way I am, and why he honestly thinks that of every woman he’s dated. I also have a new perspective on my own body that I hope I will continue to nurture until I see myself, and all people, as wonderful as we are.
My favorite part in learning this concept is that my new understanding made *me* feel more beautiful and wonderful. I’ll definitely still stress in the mirror and feel bad when I don’t workout. I’ll definitely still hate myself when I scroll through Instagram. But maybe I can remind myself that my body is wonderful because it is mine, and I’ll hate myself a little bit less everyday until it gets easier.
